A Very Hummel Musical
by flyin'rabbit
Summary: When Kurt is thrown into Starkid Hogwarts, how will he deal with his best friend/secret crush not recognising him, multiple competitors for said crush's affections, and general confusion about his new surroundings? -Discontinued for now, sorry!-
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Hello :) So, I have no idea where this suddenly came from. Sort of. I think it might have something to do with a certain YouTube video (if you haven't seen it, search for 'Glee' and 'AVPM', then pick the mash-up (of which there are two now... well, I got inspired by the first, I suppose :P); I think it's hilarious). Which I don't own. I also don't own Glee, Harry Potter, or AVPM/AVPS. (yes, this was also the disclaimer)

Oh - I'm very sorry for the lame title. Couldn't think of anything better (go figure). Hopefully you'll enjoy the story! :)

* * *

Looking back, he didn't know why he didn't scream when he fell. How had he even fallen? He had been standing firmly on the ground, and the next thing he knew, he was lying on a filthy floor.

After standing up, Kurt dusted himself off and looked around. His surroundings had changed drastically – he had ended up in a building that was not his school, that much was certain.

At the other end of the hallway, he heard voices. Slowly approaching them, Kurt wondered where he was, or rather, _when_. And how. And why.

Looking into the room, he raised one of his eyebrows. He was currently standing behind a rather cheap looking piece of décor, and inside the room (if it could even be called that), there were various people. Kurt had seen many bad-dressed people in his life, but this had to be the worst case of a fashion crisis he'd ever seen. Those uniforms were way worse than Dalton's, and the man in the middle – was that a fake beard? – looked particularly strange.

There were kids – no, young adults, Kurt corrected himself – sitting on makeshift benches, and for some reason, Kurt had the distinct feeling that they might burst out in song any moment. That was, until one of the kids started speaking. That sounded very much like –

"Blaine?"

Too late did Kurt realise that he had now given away his hiding spot – which wasn't really that much of a _hiding_ spot in the first place, but anyway.

"Who are you?" A guy, dressed in all black – worse, much worse than Tina – asked him, making his way over as if he was a bat flying. Kurt felt more and more out of place here every second.

"I'm Kurt," he offered as politely as he could in this situation. "Uh – could someone tell me what's going on here?"

Poking him, the bat imposter instead asked, "Why are you not wearing your uniform?"

"It's the weekend," Kurt responded matter-of-factly, then deciding that he wouldn't be getting any answers from this guy very soon. Therefore, he turned towards Blaine – well, he thought it was Blaine. They looked very alike, even though this boy had much longer hair and curls, and he was wearing glasses. But whatever – Kurt thought it looked sort of cute.

"Blaine, what are you doing?"

Everyone stared at him as if he'd gone crazy. "Who are you talking to?" a dark boy – or was it a girl? Kurt wouldn't be surprised by now – asked him.

"Who do you think I'm talking to?" Kurt exclaimed. "Him, of course," he added, pointing towards the Blaine lookalike, who simply looked weirded out.

"But why?" he wanted to know. "My name's not _Blaine_."

"Don't you recognise him?" the guy next to him asked Kurt, seemingly very shocked. Now that Kurt thought about it, everyone in the room – not that many people, actually – was looking at him like he'd gone mad. They might even be right.

"Yeah, I do," Kurt replied, shrugging. "That's my friend, Blaine."

The boy – who had red hair (Kurt assumed it was a wig; no one had such a hair colour, period), held together by a blue headband – shook his head disbelievingly, and 'Blaine' glanced Kurt up and down uncertainly.

"I don't even know you, dude," he told Kurt. "And seriously, my name's not Blaine. I wouldn't want to be that friend of yours – no wonder he's gone missing, if I had such a name..."

"Then who are you?" Kurt asked, rolling his eyes. This was obviously some sort of ploy of Blaine's to drive him insane. Why, he didn't know. As far as Kurt was aware, he hadn't done anything to make Blaine want to get revenge.

He barely finished his question when he heard music. Looking behind him, he saw nothing; looking back at the group in front of him, he noticed that they had all stood up – and then they started singing.

"He's Harry freakin' Potter – "

Kurt barely heard what else they had to sing. Harry Potter? He didn't know Blaine was a fan, let alone crazy enough to actually believe that he was, in fact, the boy who lived.

The group was doing some elaborate dance to accompany the song, and Kurt was impressed. He didn't know Blaine – no matter what everyone said, Kurt was certain that it was him – could pull such a thing off. The Warblers' dance moves (if you could even call them that) weren't anything like this. It reminded him very much of the performances New Directions always put together, and he smiled to himself.

When the group was done, they sat down as if nothing was going on. As if they hadn't just burst into song. Huh. Weird.

"So," Kurt asked, deciding that he'd better play along, "are you like… the Glee club of this school?"

* * *

**A/N**: So, what did you think? There will be at least one other chapter, but I don't know when, or what. Maybe it'll follow the musical(s), but I'd have to watch them again first... or maybe not. We'll see :P Anyway, let me know what you think, and please review! :)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: ... I don't think there's any excuse for how long it took me to update this. I actually wrote this chapter some time ago, but I only re-watched AVPM/AVPS recently, and I didn't want to post anything that would be completely wrong (at least not without realising it). I'll try to update quicker next time, as I _do_ have more stuff to work with now (if you'd like to see something, let me know, and I'll see if I can use it :) )  
So, a couple of things: I am in no way bashing the musicals, or anything (Kurt's just very unimpressed by his new surroundings, and I doubt he'll ever fully appreciate them). As for the plot, this will mainly follow the AVPS plot (loosely. I don't think it'll always work out that way (Kurt's presence must have _some_ consequences)), but there will be stuff from AVPM as well. As for the _Glee_ universe, I started this during the winter hiatus, so that's when this takes place (so after AVGC). It won't be canon compliant with stuff that happens after that. And: I'm not sure _where_ Starkid!Hogwarts is, actually (I mean, is it still in Britain, or not? :S). So if I did that wrong, I apologise. And it's not supposed to make any sense - just to make that clear.  
Naturally, this is very AU.

**Disclaimer**: (I'll say it again) I don't own anything you recognise as anyone else's. Nothing at all.

Anyway... hopefully you'll enjoy the chapter, please review!

* * *

"Glee club?" a girl with wild brown hair asked, obviously not understanding.

"I don't know what it is, but it sounds totally awesome!" the (fake) redhead exclaimed, grinning eagerly.

"Yeah, totally!" 'Blaine' agreed, happily grinning along. "But uh – what were we talking about again before this guy interrupted?" He waved his hand vaguely at Kurt, who huffed in response. He didn't like this… alternative universe or whatever it was he had ended up in, if Blaine was going to act like he didn't know him all the time.

The guy with the fake beard looked thoughtful before shrugging. "You," he said in the end, gesturing towards Kurt. "You have to be Sorted if you're going to be a student here."

Oh. So this was supposed to be Dumbledore? Wow. Kurt could do a better job at impersonating the Hogwarts headmaster, and he would even flat-out refuse to wear a beard. So that was saying something.

"I'm not a student here," Kurt protested. "I go to Dalton now. You know – Dalton Academy for boys, in Westerville?"

"Where?" a girl sitting across from 'Blaine' asked. Now that Kurt had adjusted just a tiny little bit to his new situation, he realised what a crazy school this was. There was only a handful of students sitting in what he assumed ought to be the Great Hall. "Never heard of that place."

"Is it in Wales?" the dark boy-who-might-also-be-a-girl asked, confused.

"No," Kurt replied, frowning at her – him… whatever. "It's in Ohio."

"Ohio?" the brown-haired girl asked, looking at him with what could only be classified as… pity? What – did she think he was crazy? Kurt felt like he was the only sane one around. "As in the United States? But we're in Britain, right? We're nowhere near Ohio…"

"Have you _heard_ yourself?" Kurt asked, incredulously. "All of you – do you ever listen to yourselves? You're American! Hardly anyone here has a British accent."

He shouldn't have said that, as it turned out. Everyone started talking, speaking about severe identity crises and personality disorders, and glaring at Kurt, who didn't know what he'd done wrong. He had only, like Santana always said, kept it real. It wasn't his fault if they couldn't appreciate that or couldn't handle the truth.

Everyone else was suddenly quiet as 'Blaine' stood up, stepped onto the bench he'd just been sitting on (well, at least that hadn't changed – for once, Kurt was grateful for Blaine's increasingly disturbing habit to climb onto the furniture as often as he could), and cried out, "I'm in a rage!"

And that was it. Calmly, he got off of the bench again and sat down. The bat like guy (was he supposed to be Snape? Kurt wasn't sure, but there were no other options) narrowed his eyes at him and shouted, "Twenty points from Gryffindor!"

"Thanks, Herman," the red haired boy muttered under his breath, for seemingly no reason in particular. One look around proved all Kurt needed to know – apparently, this was a normal occurrence.

"Don't worry, Harry," the brown-haired girl (Hermione, Kurt decided. He was glad he'd read the books, at least) told him, patting his arm. "We're still in Britain. We're not in the States. I think we'd _know_ if we'd travelled across the ocean," she said to Kurt, shooting him an exasperated look, as if he was the stupidest person she had ever met.

After a short silence, the redhead (Ron; no doubt. Kurt was no longer surprised by anything) said, "You still haven't told us what a Glee club is."

"Oh, right. It's… an extracurricular activity, a group of people who sing and dance for fun after school hours."

"You sing and dance at set times?" 'Blaine' asked, frowning at Kurt. "That's pretty lame, don't you think? We just sing and dance whenever we want."

Ah, like that. Sure, Kurt had sometimes been the witness of an impromptu need to express oneself in song at McKinley (he had instigated them as well, at times), but it wasn't something that went over well with faculty and their fellow students.

"So you're more like High School Musical, then?" he asked, causing everyone to look at him in astonishment.

"We could never measure up to the sheer brilliance that is High School Musical!" 'Dumbledore' exclaimed, seeming to be in a rage as well now. "How dare you even suggest that?"

"Did you show him the Zefron poster?" 'Snape' asked, sounding annoyed.

"No, I didn't!" the other man denied. "He can't have known that it's my life dream to meet _Zefron_. I _am_ his biggest fan, after all." Uproar ensued, in which most of the guys (it hardly surprised Kurt anymore, he was ashamed to realise) declared that _they_ were Zefron's biggest fan.

"Who knows," Kurt muttered, "maybe he'll show up here some time. I did, so why wouldn't he?" Zac Efron wasn't really the person Kurt wanted to be stuck with here, but at least there might be another sane person around here. He felt like he'd be crazy before he'd get out of here – if he would ever get out of here, that was.

Nobody heard him, however, and only turned back towards him when the two Professors (if he could call them that, Kurt thought to himself, scoffing) stopped bickering and 'Dumbledore' told him, "You still have to get Sorted if you're going to be around for a while."

Glaring at the man, Kurt marched towards him. As he stood next to him, he sighed in a way only Kurt Hummel could pull off, and he crossed his arms. Tapping his foot as well for good measure, he waited for the (undoubtedly unfashionable and dirty) Sorting Hat to be placed on his head. It would make his life a lot easier if he'd get placed in Gryffindor; at least he knew someone there, even if that someone wouldn't accept that quite yet. But of course, his life wasn't about to get any easier.

The Sorting Hat didn't touch his head, though, for which Kurt was very thankful, but it still shouted, "Slytherin!"

Well, damn it.

* * *

**A/N**: Personally, I think Kurt could end up in virtually any Hogwarts House. For the sake of having _some _sort of conflict in this story, he's a Slytherin here.  
As for the rest, I'm aware that there are multiple plot holes and non-sensical things in just this chapter alone... well, they were bound to pop up at some point, so the sooner the better, right? :P

(oh! If you're still reading, go to YouTube after this and search for 'Get back to McKinley' (it's from the same user as the video I talked about in the first chapter (coincidentally?)), if you haven't seen it already. It's hilarious.)

Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**: So... it did take me less than 6,5 months this time... right? :) Nothing much happens here, and I doubt a whole lot will really happen in this, although I try to make it somewhat eventful. I'm just not very good at that. Sorry.

* * *

Damn indeed. Kurt glanced towards the Gryffindors for a split second and immediately realised that they weren't going to trust (or even like) him anytime soon. They were all glaring at him now.

At least _something_ wasn't that different from what Kurt had always read.

He was ready to trudge over to the bench at the other side of the room (filled with Slytherins, Ravenclaws and a stray Hufflepuff, it appeared) when he was called back.

"Don't forget about the Scarf of Sexual Preference!" 'Dumbledore' told him in a scolding tone.

"The scarf of _what_?" Kurt asked, bemused. He knew of a lot of scarves, but that wasn't something he'd come across lately. He hoped it wouldn't be too hideous –

Okay. It was completely tacky.

Then again, had he really expected it to be fashionable after that poor excuse for a hat?

"I already know my sexual preference," he said quickly, dodging the scarf at first. "I don't need this thing to tell me – "

"Straight as a ruler!" the scarf squeaked out, and Kurt felt his eyes widen.

"Straight as a ruler?" he repeated, if possible even in a higher voice than the scarf's. "No – I'm _gay_! What is – "

"The scarf of sexual preference has spoken," 'Snape' interrupted him. "Now sit down with the other students in your House."

For the next minute, Kurt sat on the bench in shock. Not only had he become a Slytherin, but from now on, everyone here expected him to be straight? This was plain madness.

During his musings, another person had come in – someone Kurt recognised without too much trouble as Professor Lupin. He also realised that Snape was far from careful in dealing with Lupin's secret in this world. Still, perhaps he'd join that astronomy club. It was better than getting dirty and sweaty from Quidditch anyway.

Or maybe not. After all, all Kurt wanted was to just get out of this place as quickly as possible. There was absolutely no need for him to join in on any extracurricular activities.

When Lupin left (after cursing a great deal (which, for some reason, caused all the students in the hall to quickly cover their ears – as if they'd never heard anyone curse before, Kurt mused)), Dumbledore told the group about Sirius Black escaping Azkaban. So this was… during third year? Kurt was confused.

He briefly wondered if he should just inform the group that Sirius Black was not a criminal, but he didn't get the chance (as if they'd believe him anyway). He did notice, however, how 'Ron', once more, thanked a certain 'Herman' for Sirius heading towards Hogwarts.

Did he mean Hermione? He didn't seem too keen on her, at the very least – he didn't even pronounce the girl's name right.

Once again, Kurt was shaken out of his reverie when Dumbledore announced Professor Umbridge.

…What?

First of all, this was just Kurt's luck, ending up in a weird Harry Potter world, right when Umbridge was introduced. Second of all – that couldn't be right, could it? Umbridge was at Hogwarts during Harry's fifth year, not his third.

Then again, Kurt had never read anything about Blaine secretly being Harry Potter.

Or the other way around, if that made more sense.

Loud stomping sounded from outside the 'Hall' (wasn't that Moody, though? By now, Kurt wasn't sure about anything anymore). A couple of seconds later, the door flew open. Kurt frowned.

This was Umbridge?

The last time Kurt had checked, Umbridge had been a woman. The person standing before him, however, was _not_ a woman. Kurt wasn't all too sure if this person was a man per se, but... okay, he _was_ sure about the fact that there was no such thing as a separate gender for Umbridge.

At least Dumbledore and Blaine/Harry were confused as well.

o-o-o-o-o

Later, in his dorm, Kurt couldn't be more annoyed (alright, maybe he could – for instance, if he'd had to stay in the Great Hall to listen to Umbridge, or something equally disturbing). He'd thought that sharing a room with Finn was bad – these guys were much worse. He'd barely even met them, and he already wished for something to get rid of them.

His only three dorm mates were Malfoy and his two cronies. For Malfoy went basically the opposite of what went for Umbridge: 'he' was supposed to be a guy, but sounded suspiciously like a girl. Coincidentally (or not), the same went for Crabbe. Goyle, though, was definitely a guy.

When he told the three of them this, though, he was ignored by both Crabbe and Goyle. Malfoy did take offense. Or something.

"All respectable wizards were diapers," he/she told Kurt haughtily. "It has nothing to do with whether you think I'm female. Actually, it's rather misogynistic of you to assume that women wear diapers, you know that?"

"I didn't say anything about a diaper!" Kurt protested. "Wait – you still wear diapers?" For the first time since he'd found himself here, he laughed. Loudly. "Draco Malfoy… wears _diapers_?"

"You can't make me use the potty," Malfoy told him. "I could very well fall in and be killed."

Kurt didn't even bother to respond to that.

* * *

**A/N**: Even though in the musical(s), Scarfy is pretty much right all the time... he isn't here. He can't be correct all the time, right? :)

Anyway, let me know what you thought of this (or if you have any ideas for the rest of the story (I vaguely know where I'm going with this, but most of it is still very blurred)) - please review!


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